Seeing myself through the eyes of trees
In this blogpost I want to share a personal story of my first time experiencing trees as loving, conscious beings. But before I start, let me give you a little backstory of the first 2,5 decades of my life, leading up to the moment I experienced trees are my dear friends, who helped me open up my heart and love and accept myself.
Intimacy and connection with others is something I barely experienced in my childhood, teenage years and early 20’ies. I always felt there was an invisible line drawn in front of me and even when I was in the same space as others, I seemed to be ‘on the other side’. Alone. By myself. At the time I thought this was because my existence didn’t matter to others and I was just unlikeable and unlovable.
Even though I have a very loving relationship with my parents now, growing up I always felt like I was living in the same house as two random adults. I didn’t feel any connection with them, or to any other human for that matter, and for the longest time I thought there was something horribly wrong with me. I was convinced I was born without a heart and cold and evil on the inside.
Turns out, I did have a heart, I had just built thick walls and shields around it and hadn’t allowed myself to open up to a connection with others ánd myself.
I carried this loneliness and self-hatred within me for a long time, and let me tell you, now that the heavy burden is gone, I don’t know how I lived like that for so long. I was very, very sad all the time, I experienced an incredibly dark and negative inner world and wasn’t able to enjoy or see the beauty in life at all. The complete opposite of how I feel now, thanks to my family from the more-than-human world.
Now, you might think why I am sharing this and what it has to do with trees. I simply wanted to paint a picture of how I felt before and after opening up my heart to the tree kingdom.
It first happened in Batu Karas, Java (Indonesia) in 2023 when I was on a surf trip with my girlfriends. One afternoon, I was too tired to surf and I decided to watch the sunset from the beach. There were these big trees overlooking a cute little bay and the moment I sat down with my back against a tree, an image flashed before my eyes of me sitting back to back with a friend. I had this sudden and intense sensation that there was a being inside the tree and that I knew them very well. It felt like the first time experiencing a connection with another being that was completely free of pain, dysfunctional dynamics, judgement or fear. I just felt safety and unconditional love and acceptance.
That moment I realised how silly I had been to think I was alone in this world. Every time I saw a tree, walked in the forest or sat down with a tree friend, I felt this beautiful sense of belonging and wholeness, of oneness and being part of a huge family of consciousness, in different body suits and (non-)physical expressions. I not only felt part of something bigger, I also knew deep into my bones that I had my own unique place in the Web Of Life, and that all nature beings wanted me to be in touch with my own nature. They show me time and time again that who I am, at my core - my body, emotions, feelings and thoughts, my desires and dreams, are good and perfect. Whenever I go out into nature all I see is myself and my well of unconditional self-love and self-acceptance gets filled up to the brim.
The love and acceptance I feel from trees and all beings from the more-than-human world (especially Mother Earth) has completely changed the way I perceive, experience and relate to connections with humans. I no longer see them as a source of pain, but now as a source of joy. There is no need anymore to close my heart or hide myself from others, because I know there is nothing to hide. I know I am loved and accepted for who I am and I can show up as my authentic self, being able to have true, meaningful and authentic relationships, which is truly so enriching, especially after not having had that for many years.
I have experienced big contrasts in my life in terms of my inner world, of how I feel about myself, of my ability to see beauty in life - the big and the small things - and how I relate to and connect with others. Looking back on my journey, I see it all as a true blessing. I believe we choose our life lessons before we incarnate, and it makes sense I chose to experience the extreme side of disconnection and separation, from others and myself, so I could journey back to the truth: that we are all one, that I am never alone, and that my essence, the deepest parts of my heart and very being, are good, beautiful and perfect. Trees helped me, and are still helping me, to come back to that place, time and time again, when I need to remember and feelthis again. They reflect me back to me, without ego, without judgements, but through a mirror of unconditional love and acceptance.
And I wish for you to experience this too. I wish for every human being to experience this. Because I know how painful it is to drown in the illusions that we are alone or not good enough. And how simple the concept of self-love actually is. I believe with all my heart this is how we create a loving and harmonious world, for ourselves and for others: by first seeing the beauty within and feeling safe to be seen for who we are.
Trees can show us the way to unconditional love. My wish for you is to feel the unconditional love and acceptance trees share with us, so you can see and feel how amazing you are, and feel safe to open up your heart for true connection with others.
I have created a free 30 minute audio guide to connect with tree beings for everyone who wants to dive deeper into nature connection and communicating with the more-than-human world. It’s like a guided meditation, but instead of sitting inside on your yoga pillow with your eyes closed, you will be outside, with a tree being. I will guide you into connecting with your body, slowing down, opening up your heart and to help you remember the language we share with all beings on Earth, the living intelligence that flows through all of nature.
You can download the free audio guide here:
